First of all, I have to preface this post with a thank you to Trader Joes. Without the full-timers trying to get me to quit by only giving me 2 shifts this week, I would never have been able to find the time to have this mini-vacation. (It also proves to me that they cannot fire me for cause... very valuable information).
The Saturday Experience: I went out to western Mass to attend the Samurai Picnic. This is the first year that I have been able to see the whole thing. I got to see the Ronins, some demos from different techniques, a kendo tournament, and some ground-fighting. Because of my recent health (the miscarriage, and now a cold from hell) I didn't participate but it was really fun seeing them beat the shit out of one another.
The Ronins also dished on all the information about Berkshire Hills Ryu... Some things I think I expected to discover, and others were just revolting. I am officially a Ronin now, and I am going kokikai.
I also got to experience my first keg stand. Not that it was something that I ever wanted to do, but if the 70 year old could do it... well shit. It cleared my sinuses pretty well when that carbonated beer went through my nose... I must say that it is really funny seeing that many old guys that drunk... it's a sight I'm not going to forget any time soon.
The Sunday Experience was also pretty exciting, starting with a little visitor in my shower. I'm blind as a bat, so when I hop into a shower, I can't tell if there is anything hiding in there. I'm getting my hair wet when I see this little brown thing scurry to one side of the tub. I scream and jump to the side as it runs toward me. Poor Scott is afraid I've burned myself or something, but isn't about to find out with a naked girl in his bathroom. I run and get my towel and my glasses to inspect the thing which turns out to be a very scared, very wet little mouse. After getting halfway decent, I let Scott in to take care of it. It was quite the adventure for first thing in the morning.
After checking in with Stan, to see if he survived the night of drinking and merry making, Scott took me for my first ever bike ride. We went into New York to check out a flea market. Unfortunately, it is the end of the season, so there wasn't much to look at, but the ride was definitely worth it.
Pretty soon, it was time for me to catch my train, but this was to be another adventure. In true Amtrak tradition, my train was to be 11+ hours late. I managed to hitch a lift with some folks who decided to cancel their ticket and drive in. I am ever grateful to them for allowing me to do that. It was a pretty good time too. One thing is for sure, I am never ever going to take Amtrak again. This is the second time that something this stupid has happened and they won't do shit for their customers. This has been the only time I've regretting not having my car. But there is nothing I can do but boycott the train. It's not very much, but its something.
Now it's back to the real world for me... Going to work drugged up on Dayquil and hoping to get through today at least.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Monday, August 25, 2008
Eviction, death, and veganism
I have conceded that my life is not meant to be normal. Some times I let myself walk into problems, and some times they just track me down. The best I can do is try to find some control in my small universe and keep trucking.
The problem I walked into is the housing issue. The new place was actually worse than the old. It takes about 6 months to be evicted from a residence. You get 2 letters of termination, then a court hearing which if you don't go to that, then you get a court-issued eviction letter. I moved in at the beginning of July and was evicted in August. Which means that When I moved in, the guy knew all about it. The reason he gave meas to why he got the court letter was that he had violated his lease by letting people sublet... as I was doing. Clearly, this must have been a problem in the past. When I was informed, I only had two weeks to come up with a solution.
The solution is less than ideal. My stuff is being stored at my parents' house and I'm staying with Brent. The problem is that we aren't telling his roommates, I've lost my key to his house, and most of my things are really far away. When I want to switch my wardrobe for warmer items I'll have to find time and money to go home and retrieve them.
The only other option would be to quit my job and move back home. Granted, I HATE my job, but it's still a job and in this state with this economy... I'm damn lucky to have that. I also just got a raise and I'm about to qualify for insurance (finally!!). Also, being that far away from B would be terrible. I really love him, and all the time we spend together... even now as I'm blogging in this room and he's in the next with the XBox. I've grown comfortable with him being really close by.
Then again, our closeness has lead to my second problem which I had little control over. For the second time in my life, I miscarried. The first time, I took it hard, but it was MY baby that had died... this time, it was B's. Neither of us want a baby, on top of that, it would ruin all the goals he has in his life. I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of something like that.
It's still difficult to have gone through it again. And this time I saw with my own eyes that I had miscarried. I was at work, and there was a broken piece of placenta... it was no bigger than a plum... so it was probably about 6-12 weeks old. There was more there besides the placenta piece, but I refused to inspect that. The worst part of that (besides the fact that I killed another baby) is that I had no idea what to do with it. I had a fetus in my hands, in the only bathroom in the store and I still had a half hour of work to get through.
I flushed it like a fish.
Sometimes I really hate myself. I just didn't know what else to do.
The next couple of days I took some bereavement time from work. I didn't tell them it was my unborn child, but I knew that if a single customer came up to me yelling about their precious little chic peas not being on the shelf I would lose my job because of my response. It was good foresight on my part because it was a lot more painful than the worst period I've ever had (and I'm on the pill because my periods were so painful). I think it is because when you miscarry, if anything remains behind, there can be some serious complications later on so the body really tries to get it out... and that means SEVERE cramping and abdominal pain.
We also spent some time talking it over and what needs to be done. B says he doesn't think he's actually dealt with it. He's fine with it so far. He's more worried about the fact that we got pregnant in the first place. I have been taking it beyond that, and the whole baby killing thing is rough, but there is one statistic that keeps me going: the March of Dimes says that 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It follows to say that many women don't even know that they had been pregnant, so I'm not sure how accurate that statistic could be... but rolling that over and over in my mind has helped a lot.
Before this whole fiasco happened, we had decided we would take the plunge into veganism. We have been "sustainability vegetarians" for a while. That is- only eating meat that is sustainable: local, grass-fed (or grub fed for chickens, fish for salmon, etc. basically anything but corn), eating things that don't harm the evironment too much. That goes further for produce... it means eating locally over organic (local organic is the best, then local conventional, then organic shipped, then conventional shipped in the worst case). In the summer this is all fine and dandy, but soon it's going to get harder. And even though we weren't against eating meat, it basically made us vegetarian.
At the same time though we would ignore the rules when it came to milk and cheese and yogurt and all that fun stuff. Not eating a hamburger because it was fed on corn but drinking cow's milk was a contradiction. By trying veganism (something btw that B had done before) we get rid of those hypocrisies.
Besides it's good effect on the environment, the vegan diet is VERY healthy. People don't usually believe that when I tell them. They believe that protein and calcium are nearly impossible to get, but that's not true. Omnivores get so much protein that most of it is shit out without being utilized. The same is true for vegetarians. What is really hard to find in the vegan diet is B-12. That is a vitamin that is ONLY found in animal protein. Though there is a synthetic version that comes from yeast, but the hardcore vegans don't touch yeast either. That, however, can lead to serious health complications and is just downright stupid. Like the vegan family that killed their baby because they were feeding it apple juice instead of milk.... I'm not going to be one of those crazy vegans.
I'm more interested in the high energy part of the whole diet anyway. Most the diet it complex carbohydrates, so there is a lot of energy that needs to get used up. My mother told me that I would get fat.... but if she can find me a single fat vegan, I'll give her $100. I'm sure that I'll find tons of outlets for my energy... even if it's breaking down some extra pallets at work or learning to jog.
The added benefit of this whole thing is that it's going to keep me from eating comfort foods to feel better (which ultimately just makes me feel fat and have no self-esteem). It will give me something to concentrate on and with the added energy (after the detoxification) I can have more physical outlets to concentrate on top of that. This is me controlling more in my environment. When I do that, I don't have to think about how bad it hurts, just what little things I can do to make myself feel better. I can clean my room, I can change my diet, I can try some new make up.
Maybe I should get another hair cut.
The problem I walked into is the housing issue. The new place was actually worse than the old. It takes about 6 months to be evicted from a residence. You get 2 letters of termination, then a court hearing which if you don't go to that, then you get a court-issued eviction letter. I moved in at the beginning of July and was evicted in August. Which means that When I moved in, the guy knew all about it. The reason he gave meas to why he got the court letter was that he had violated his lease by letting people sublet... as I was doing. Clearly, this must have been a problem in the past. When I was informed, I only had two weeks to come up with a solution.
The solution is less than ideal. My stuff is being stored at my parents' house and I'm staying with Brent. The problem is that we aren't telling his roommates, I've lost my key to his house, and most of my things are really far away. When I want to switch my wardrobe for warmer items I'll have to find time and money to go home and retrieve them.
The only other option would be to quit my job and move back home. Granted, I HATE my job, but it's still a job and in this state with this economy... I'm damn lucky to have that. I also just got a raise and I'm about to qualify for insurance (finally!!). Also, being that far away from B would be terrible. I really love him, and all the time we spend together... even now as I'm blogging in this room and he's in the next with the XBox. I've grown comfortable with him being really close by.
Then again, our closeness has lead to my second problem which I had little control over. For the second time in my life, I miscarried. The first time, I took it hard, but it was MY baby that had died... this time, it was B's. Neither of us want a baby, on top of that, it would ruin all the goals he has in his life. I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of something like that.
It's still difficult to have gone through it again. And this time I saw with my own eyes that I had miscarried. I was at work, and there was a broken piece of placenta... it was no bigger than a plum... so it was probably about 6-12 weeks old. There was more there besides the placenta piece, but I refused to inspect that. The worst part of that (besides the fact that I killed another baby) is that I had no idea what to do with it. I had a fetus in my hands, in the only bathroom in the store and I still had a half hour of work to get through.
I flushed it like a fish.
Sometimes I really hate myself. I just didn't know what else to do.
The next couple of days I took some bereavement time from work. I didn't tell them it was my unborn child, but I knew that if a single customer came up to me yelling about their precious little chic peas not being on the shelf I would lose my job because of my response. It was good foresight on my part because it was a lot more painful than the worst period I've ever had (and I'm on the pill because my periods were so painful). I think it is because when you miscarry, if anything remains behind, there can be some serious complications later on so the body really tries to get it out... and that means SEVERE cramping and abdominal pain.
We also spent some time talking it over and what needs to be done. B says he doesn't think he's actually dealt with it. He's fine with it so far. He's more worried about the fact that we got pregnant in the first place. I have been taking it beyond that, and the whole baby killing thing is rough, but there is one statistic that keeps me going: the March of Dimes says that 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It follows to say that many women don't even know that they had been pregnant, so I'm not sure how accurate that statistic could be... but rolling that over and over in my mind has helped a lot.
Before this whole fiasco happened, we had decided we would take the plunge into veganism. We have been "sustainability vegetarians" for a while. That is- only eating meat that is sustainable: local, grass-fed (or grub fed for chickens, fish for salmon, etc. basically anything but corn), eating things that don't harm the evironment too much. That goes further for produce... it means eating locally over organic (local organic is the best, then local conventional, then organic shipped, then conventional shipped in the worst case). In the summer this is all fine and dandy, but soon it's going to get harder. And even though we weren't against eating meat, it basically made us vegetarian.
At the same time though we would ignore the rules when it came to milk and cheese and yogurt and all that fun stuff. Not eating a hamburger because it was fed on corn but drinking cow's milk was a contradiction. By trying veganism (something btw that B had done before) we get rid of those hypocrisies.
Besides it's good effect on the environment, the vegan diet is VERY healthy. People don't usually believe that when I tell them. They believe that protein and calcium are nearly impossible to get, but that's not true. Omnivores get so much protein that most of it is shit out without being utilized. The same is true for vegetarians. What is really hard to find in the vegan diet is B-12. That is a vitamin that is ONLY found in animal protein. Though there is a synthetic version that comes from yeast, but the hardcore vegans don't touch yeast either. That, however, can lead to serious health complications and is just downright stupid. Like the vegan family that killed their baby because they were feeding it apple juice instead of milk.... I'm not going to be one of those crazy vegans.
I'm more interested in the high energy part of the whole diet anyway. Most the diet it complex carbohydrates, so there is a lot of energy that needs to get used up. My mother told me that I would get fat.... but if she can find me a single fat vegan, I'll give her $100. I'm sure that I'll find tons of outlets for my energy... even if it's breaking down some extra pallets at work or learning to jog.
The added benefit of this whole thing is that it's going to keep me from eating comfort foods to feel better (which ultimately just makes me feel fat and have no self-esteem). It will give me something to concentrate on and with the added energy (after the detoxification) I can have more physical outlets to concentrate on top of that. This is me controlling more in my environment. When I do that, I don't have to think about how bad it hurts, just what little things I can do to make myself feel better. I can clean my room, I can change my diet, I can try some new make up.
Maybe I should get another hair cut.
Monday, July 14, 2008
Two Breaks Too Quickly
This year is the first year that I've had the fourth of July off since I entered the work force. Not only did I have the fourth off, I had the third as well. So the bf and I embarked on a quest to Maine. This was the first meeting of his mother.
The best way to describe the experience was surreal. I enjoyed myself... we chased the ducks, went strawberry picking and I finally learned how to play poker. His mom is nice, but I'm glad I was warned about some of her... quirks. One of the first things I heard out of her mouth was whining. Actual whining, like a child. The night before we left, she came downstairs and told us we had to go to bed. And to complete the paradox, the next morning she asked why we weren't living together. It was as if she cannot assign a role to her son; first he's a position where he is whined at, like a friend or even a parent, then a young child to be scolded for stay up past midnight, to an adult son who can provide grandchildren.
Her behavior to us wasn't the only strange behavior either. On the surface her relationship with her husband, bf's step-father, seems fine. They seemed almost happy... as if it was put on for my benefit. Although, it could be more for their's. The feeling in the whole place was one part content and one part dreary. There's more there that I have yet to identify. Seeing this, however, I think was good for our relationship though. My will to make him happy is further strengthened. He deserves it, more than anyone I know. That is not to say that his mother and stepfather don't, but they seem to have accepted their lives as is. I want more for him than that.
Closely followed by this event was my move two days later. My co-worker and his friend helped me move. It was really funny tying my mattress, bed and box spring all to the roof of the friend's car. Though all my things got moved, I didn't get a chance to thank them for their help, due to my his grandfather's sudden death. He seemed to not be bothered by it, but I still didn't know how to respond. Er, thanks for helping me move, sorry for your loss? I believe he's still north of the border, but I'll see him tomorrow.
I discovered upon moving that I have another roommate. A guy from Belfast. I have no idea what his name is. He talked a lot, but his name wasn't something he mentioned. Nice enough guy, but really strange. I'm sure there will be a lot of stories about him to follow.
The few days I spent at work were actually good. My drawer has been good enough that they aren't going to make me count my drawer... I think I will anyways. After counting it a few times, there were A LOT of clerical errors that made the drawer off, but after some digging the reasons were discovered. I don't think anyone took anything any more... I think it was just human error, and not my own. I'm not entirely sure I want to leave, now that I'm about to qualify for my insurance and other benefits. While I don't want to stay there for a long time, I think sticking this out for a while will help me with my I-feel-like-I'm-running-away-from-everything issue.
After this decent less-than-a-week at work, I had my RTO. We were supposed to go to NYC, but plans fell through. It was kind of funny that this was also The Weekly Dig's "Staycation" issue. Bf knew that I was kind of bummed, but made up for it on Friday (the first day of my staycation). I babysat for his friend's 10 month old in the am... and he surprised me with a visit during this. He completely blew off work and we spent the whole day walking around the parks in the area, the Boston suburbs, found a farm and got some yummy cherries, visited a cemetery (yes, a weird hobby of mine... it has to do with history), got some ice cream and just had a really pleasant day. It really meant a lot to me. He has so much work to do, that it was actually a big deal for him to take the whole day off to spend with me. I'd say that day was on par with the day I walked the Great Wall.
The second day of my staycation was spent doing convention related things. It was a general meeting and then dinner with a bunch of great people who I haven't seen in a couple months. I'm really grateful for the chance to have worked with these folks (esp. where a few of them helped me completely change my life) and I've now got a chance to do more for the con.
The last day was spent with my grandma and mom. I brought them to the south end and the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. I believe this is the first time I've been to mass in 3 years. It was nice though, the church was gorgeous (architecture and graveyards are actually RELATED hobbies). Then I got to spend the rest of my break with the bf.
All in all, I had a great time and all within the confines of the greater Boston area. Eventually I'll get a weekend in NYC, but I had a good time right here at home. After getting two mini vacations in a row, I'm well-rested and ready to take on work in a couple hours. I actually have a positive out-look right now. I hope it lasts a while.
The best way to describe the experience was surreal. I enjoyed myself... we chased the ducks, went strawberry picking and I finally learned how to play poker. His mom is nice, but I'm glad I was warned about some of her... quirks. One of the first things I heard out of her mouth was whining. Actual whining, like a child. The night before we left, she came downstairs and told us we had to go to bed. And to complete the paradox, the next morning she asked why we weren't living together. It was as if she cannot assign a role to her son; first he's a position where he is whined at, like a friend or even a parent, then a young child to be scolded for stay up past midnight, to an adult son who can provide grandchildren.
Her behavior to us wasn't the only strange behavior either. On the surface her relationship with her husband, bf's step-father, seems fine. They seemed almost happy... as if it was put on for my benefit. Although, it could be more for their's. The feeling in the whole place was one part content and one part dreary. There's more there that I have yet to identify. Seeing this, however, I think was good for our relationship though. My will to make him happy is further strengthened. He deserves it, more than anyone I know. That is not to say that his mother and stepfather don't, but they seem to have accepted their lives as is. I want more for him than that.
Closely followed by this event was my move two days later. My co-worker and his friend helped me move. It was really funny tying my mattress, bed and box spring all to the roof of the friend's car. Though all my things got moved, I didn't get a chance to thank them for their help, due to my his grandfather's sudden death. He seemed to not be bothered by it, but I still didn't know how to respond. Er, thanks for helping me move, sorry for your loss? I believe he's still north of the border, but I'll see him tomorrow.
I discovered upon moving that I have another roommate. A guy from Belfast. I have no idea what his name is. He talked a lot, but his name wasn't something he mentioned. Nice enough guy, but really strange. I'm sure there will be a lot of stories about him to follow.
The few days I spent at work were actually good. My drawer has been good enough that they aren't going to make me count my drawer... I think I will anyways. After counting it a few times, there were A LOT of clerical errors that made the drawer off, but after some digging the reasons were discovered. I don't think anyone took anything any more... I think it was just human error, and not my own. I'm not entirely sure I want to leave, now that I'm about to qualify for my insurance and other benefits. While I don't want to stay there for a long time, I think sticking this out for a while will help me with my I-feel-like-I'm-running-away-from-everything issue.
After this decent less-than-a-week at work, I had my RTO. We were supposed to go to NYC, but plans fell through. It was kind of funny that this was also The Weekly Dig's "Staycation" issue. Bf knew that I was kind of bummed, but made up for it on Friday (the first day of my staycation). I babysat for his friend's 10 month old in the am... and he surprised me with a visit during this. He completely blew off work and we spent the whole day walking around the parks in the area, the Boston suburbs, found a farm and got some yummy cherries, visited a cemetery (yes, a weird hobby of mine... it has to do with history), got some ice cream and just had a really pleasant day. It really meant a lot to me. He has so much work to do, that it was actually a big deal for him to take the whole day off to spend with me. I'd say that day was on par with the day I walked the Great Wall.
The second day of my staycation was spent doing convention related things. It was a general meeting and then dinner with a bunch of great people who I haven't seen in a couple months. I'm really grateful for the chance to have worked with these folks (esp. where a few of them helped me completely change my life) and I've now got a chance to do more for the con.
The last day was spent with my grandma and mom. I brought them to the south end and the Cathedral of the Holy Cross. I believe this is the first time I've been to mass in 3 years. It was nice though, the church was gorgeous (architecture and graveyards are actually RELATED hobbies). Then I got to spend the rest of my break with the bf.
All in all, I had a great time and all within the confines of the greater Boston area. Eventually I'll get a weekend in NYC, but I had a good time right here at home. After getting two mini vacations in a row, I'm well-rested and ready to take on work in a couple hours. I actually have a positive out-look right now. I hope it lasts a while.
Wednesday, July 2, 2008
More Changes My Way Comes
I'm moving. Again. This time to a different part of the city, but more convenient to work and the bf.
I sort of feel like I'm running away from the problems. I was so afraid before of leaving school that I wasted 3 years in the Berkshires. I don't want to fall into that trap again, but I don't want to go to the other extreme.
At least I tried to compromise with the roommate problem. Peter wouldn't have any of it. And why would he? He gets the most out of the deal because he eats more than everyone else. He didn't want me to NOT pay for food I DID NOT eat because then he couldn't make a profit off of me. Am I crazy to feel as though paying for other people's food is unfair? I didn't eat any of it, I'm not home ever... why should I pay? It was so expensive that I have no idea how I'm going to afford to buy my own food.
The new place should be ok though. I'm living with a younger guy, and there aren't any other roommates. So I'll get say in picking another roommate, in decorating the apartment, and the rules that will be established. That's a lot better then going into a situation where they've set up a system that screws the newest roommate. He is also going to help me move, that's a rarity in a roommate.
On top of that, I have a friend from work helping. Even though I have had a hard time adjusting to TJ's life and I hate the clique system that rules the joint, I have found a couple really great people there. I hope I get a new job soon, but I hope I can keep in touch with a few of these people.
Also, the best thing has happened. My best friend from college has started talking to me again. She was the only one left at school in my class that I was close with, but we started fighting in the middle of the fall semester. So I hadn't talked to her in six months. I kept trying to talk, and finally the last time paid off. We hung out in the city, she met the bf, and we went to a comedy show. It was a really good time.
At least I can get a positive post in. It beats the depression that had come back for a while. I do know that it wasn't just a shitty school in the Berkshires, I do have clinical depression. The Berks didn't help, but that wasn't the only thing wrong. But I am able, now, to look on the bright side of things. I have, in my power, the ability to change my surroundings, to actually hope for the best, and to survive. I'm also forgivable. Things are good. I can make the most of it.
I sort of feel like I'm running away from the problems. I was so afraid before of leaving school that I wasted 3 years in the Berkshires. I don't want to fall into that trap again, but I don't want to go to the other extreme.
At least I tried to compromise with the roommate problem. Peter wouldn't have any of it. And why would he? He gets the most out of the deal because he eats more than everyone else. He didn't want me to NOT pay for food I DID NOT eat because then he couldn't make a profit off of me. Am I crazy to feel as though paying for other people's food is unfair? I didn't eat any of it, I'm not home ever... why should I pay? It was so expensive that I have no idea how I'm going to afford to buy my own food.
The new place should be ok though. I'm living with a younger guy, and there aren't any other roommates. So I'll get say in picking another roommate, in decorating the apartment, and the rules that will be established. That's a lot better then going into a situation where they've set up a system that screws the newest roommate. He is also going to help me move, that's a rarity in a roommate.
On top of that, I have a friend from work helping. Even though I have had a hard time adjusting to TJ's life and I hate the clique system that rules the joint, I have found a couple really great people there. I hope I get a new job soon, but I hope I can keep in touch with a few of these people.
Also, the best thing has happened. My best friend from college has started talking to me again. She was the only one left at school in my class that I was close with, but we started fighting in the middle of the fall semester. So I hadn't talked to her in six months. I kept trying to talk, and finally the last time paid off. We hung out in the city, she met the bf, and we went to a comedy show. It was a really good time.
At least I can get a positive post in. It beats the depression that had come back for a while. I do know that it wasn't just a shitty school in the Berkshires, I do have clinical depression. The Berks didn't help, but that wasn't the only thing wrong. But I am able, now, to look on the bright side of things. I have, in my power, the ability to change my surroundings, to actually hope for the best, and to survive. I'm also forgivable. Things are good. I can make the most of it.
Thursday, June 19, 2008
The June Post
So, things tend to change really quickly in my life... as you've seen thus far. The update now, however is this:
I hate Trader Joe's. I knew that as a retail operation there would be some problems. But I'm having personal problems. I've been targeted at work. There is a full-timer (member of management) who told a part-timer (someone in my pay grade) that they disliked me. Not long after this grossly inappropriate gossip session, I find out that there have been some horrible discrepancies with my cash drawer. Horrible as in hundreds of dollars... and some in one day.
The way the cash flows in this particular store is that we are given a drawer that we are responsible for. They don't like us to count these drawers as it takes too much time. When we are working on the floor, or going to lunch, we hand off the drawer to a full-timer who puts it in an open closet in the office. They only people who have access to the drawer is then full-timers, but there can be up to 5 people in that office at the time, and it would be very easy to slip some cash out of a drawer while others are occupied or when that person is the only one in the office.
I'm still employed, but now I'm being very paranoid about the drawer, I'm counting it four times a shift and having the full-timers balance the drawer with me and sign off on it in my personal log. I'm also posting my resume EVERYWHERE. I'm not going to work in a place where I feel that uncomfortable. The few people I've talked about it with (TJ's employees) presented me with the same theory: Someone is out to get me. So much for being a better company then the Evil Empire... I NEVER had a problem like this with Wal Mart EVER.
In other news, I tried to move. I was going to move in with my boss from the convention. Unfortunately, though he promised me the room, his roommate also promised someone else the room, and the bills are all in her name. So I'm stuck living in this place that is completely horrible.
I should have seen the day I moved as a sign: For one, it's not a safe place. Three days before I moved in there was a shooting outside the house. Also, I was promised internet, but it only works in the half of the house that I DO NOT live in, so I have to buy a new laptop or only use the internet when I can get to a library... which is never... when was my last post??
Also the shared grocery budget SUCKS. My place is so far away from where I work and my bf that there is no point to going home half the time. Espeically since I get out of work really late at night and walking through that part of Boston that late is like a death wish... On top of that, I can't eat soy, alcohol, and I've given up gulten and meat, so 90% of what's in the house I don't eat. And 3 people should not be spending $400 a month EACH!!!! I have to pay them for food I don't eat and that they spend WAY TOO MUCH money on? I don't think so. I don't recall ever signing anything saying I would pay into something quite like that. In fact, I never signed anything saying I'd help pay for food, it was just a verbal agreement upon living there. But not like that, no way.
The bf is talking about his wander lust... San Fransisco, New York City... Perhaps it's too early for another life-altering change, but since this risk hasn't seemed to pay off, I might continue to risk it all and move again. I would love to have the time to learn about the city I'm in now, but I wouldn't mind up and leaving again.
I hate Trader Joe's. I knew that as a retail operation there would be some problems. But I'm having personal problems. I've been targeted at work. There is a full-timer (member of management) who told a part-timer (someone in my pay grade) that they disliked me. Not long after this grossly inappropriate gossip session, I find out that there have been some horrible discrepancies with my cash drawer. Horrible as in hundreds of dollars... and some in one day.
The way the cash flows in this particular store is that we are given a drawer that we are responsible for. They don't like us to count these drawers as it takes too much time. When we are working on the floor, or going to lunch, we hand off the drawer to a full-timer who puts it in an open closet in the office. They only people who have access to the drawer is then full-timers, but there can be up to 5 people in that office at the time, and it would be very easy to slip some cash out of a drawer while others are occupied or when that person is the only one in the office.
I'm still employed, but now I'm being very paranoid about the drawer, I'm counting it four times a shift and having the full-timers balance the drawer with me and sign off on it in my personal log. I'm also posting my resume EVERYWHERE. I'm not going to work in a place where I feel that uncomfortable. The few people I've talked about it with (TJ's employees) presented me with the same theory: Someone is out to get me. So much for being a better company then the Evil Empire... I NEVER had a problem like this with Wal Mart EVER.
In other news, I tried to move. I was going to move in with my boss from the convention. Unfortunately, though he promised me the room, his roommate also promised someone else the room, and the bills are all in her name. So I'm stuck living in this place that is completely horrible.
I should have seen the day I moved as a sign: For one, it's not a safe place. Three days before I moved in there was a shooting outside the house. Also, I was promised internet, but it only works in the half of the house that I DO NOT live in, so I have to buy a new laptop or only use the internet when I can get to a library... which is never... when was my last post??
Also the shared grocery budget SUCKS. My place is so far away from where I work and my bf that there is no point to going home half the time. Espeically since I get out of work really late at night and walking through that part of Boston that late is like a death wish... On top of that, I can't eat soy, alcohol, and I've given up gulten and meat, so 90% of what's in the house I don't eat. And 3 people should not be spending $400 a month EACH!!!! I have to pay them for food I don't eat and that they spend WAY TOO MUCH money on? I don't think so. I don't recall ever signing anything saying I would pay into something quite like that. In fact, I never signed anything saying I'd help pay for food, it was just a verbal agreement upon living there. But not like that, no way.
The bf is talking about his wander lust... San Fransisco, New York City... Perhaps it's too early for another life-altering change, but since this risk hasn't seemed to pay off, I might continue to risk it all and move again. I would love to have the time to learn about the city I'm in now, but I wouldn't mind up and leaving again.
Wednesday, May 7, 2008
The Move: The Battle
I'm looking at Saturdays adventure as one that began on Thursday. Thursday I started the DSD for the first time and I did the same on Friday. This could be why some things happened as they did.
Friday night, after a grueling two 14-hour days, I get a call from my landlady informing me that the only street access I have is completely blocked by some earth-hippie thing. So what is my only option at 1215 at night when I'm checking my voicemail after work? FREAK OUT. I called home only to get grandma, which only succeeds in frustrating me more because she has no handle on reality anymore.
But I have resolved to get up and try my best. I set my alarm and crawl in with the BF. Only to wake up really really late because my phone was on vibrate. It was 9am and I needed to be at my folks at 8am to get the truck. Oops. So I speed down the interstate, and would have been home by 10am, but the exit sign on 495 got in my way.
Did you know that they total cars when the air bag is deployed? So my folks wont be getting my car after all :(
After all is said and done, we don't get up into the city until about 230 and the truck needs to be in by 4. On top of that, my father, he who never gets lost, got lost. A few phone calls gets us an extension for the truck, but the issue of the hippie party is still at hand. It was set up in such a way as to block just the dead end streets... I'm sure I'm not the only one who was inconvenienced by this whole stupid set up. Fortunately, a little negotiation with the police got the UHaul in, but my folks couldn't leave until the Hippie Fest was over (so much for the extension on the truck...).
Fortunately I had my BF and my brother as extra hands to mom, dad and me... I was glad of the extra help, especially since I was sporting a sprained wrist. This was, however, the first time my folks got to meet Brent. Everyone was out of it, and the whole thing did not go as I hoped it would. My folks hardly said anything to him, him to them and I had just been in a car accident and was still suffering from the double DSD that I could hardly function, so I couldn't get them to interact. It was poo.
...as was the rest of the day. But on the brighter side of things, I was victorious in moving, regardless of the obstacles.
Friday night, after a grueling two 14-hour days, I get a call from my landlady informing me that the only street access I have is completely blocked by some earth-hippie thing. So what is my only option at 1215 at night when I'm checking my voicemail after work? FREAK OUT. I called home only to get grandma, which only succeeds in frustrating me more because she has no handle on reality anymore.
But I have resolved to get up and try my best. I set my alarm and crawl in with the BF. Only to wake up really really late because my phone was on vibrate. It was 9am and I needed to be at my folks at 8am to get the truck. Oops. So I speed down the interstate, and would have been home by 10am, but the exit sign on 495 got in my way.
Did you know that they total cars when the air bag is deployed? So my folks wont be getting my car after all :(
After all is said and done, we don't get up into the city until about 230 and the truck needs to be in by 4. On top of that, my father, he who never gets lost, got lost. A few phone calls gets us an extension for the truck, but the issue of the hippie party is still at hand. It was set up in such a way as to block just the dead end streets... I'm sure I'm not the only one who was inconvenienced by this whole stupid set up. Fortunately, a little negotiation with the police got the UHaul in, but my folks couldn't leave until the Hippie Fest was over (so much for the extension on the truck...).
Fortunately I had my BF and my brother as extra hands to mom, dad and me... I was glad of the extra help, especially since I was sporting a sprained wrist. This was, however, the first time my folks got to meet Brent. Everyone was out of it, and the whole thing did not go as I hoped it would. My folks hardly said anything to him, him to them and I had just been in a car accident and was still suffering from the double DSD that I could hardly function, so I couldn't get them to interact. It was poo.
...as was the rest of the day. But on the brighter side of things, I was victorious in moving, regardless of the obstacles.
Friday, May 2, 2008
And so it begins...
I started at Trader Joe's finally. My first major impression is that people do like working there. At Wal Mart, when we get a trainee, the banter is like "Welcome to hell" "fresh meat" and similar by-the-way-this-place-will-kill-you-in-the-long-run jokes. This was not the case at TJ's. People were joking around, but not in a way that negatively reflected the store. That was a shock to me. I also was shocked to learn that part time just means that you aren't a manager, so I can get 40 hours a week if I want (and I do! I do!).
My first night on the floor was last night. It was also the first night that I pulled the 6am-noon at the bakery and 430pm-midnight at TJ's. I plunged right into whatever I was told to do, mostly freezing with the frozens until the truck came and we put away all the refer (actual TJ's lingo for refrigerated goods... I thought it was funny too). So far I like the folks I'm working with, everyone was friendly and helpful and that's really reassuringly for a newbie. I was able to joke around and have a good time... a lot of that comes from not feeling nervous about this job. I have no apprehensions of any kind... I wasn't even nervous on my first day, it was great.
Meanwhile in the bakery... each day I've gone in this week there has been a new injury. I had a bad mishap with a vegetable slicer and the next day I burnt myself with hot coffee. I felt like a winner at least when I managed to not swear during each boo boo. It also gave me a reason to buy Hello Kitty band aids <3
Today is my second day of the Double Shift of Doom (DSD) but it's only half way through. I decided to cut into my nap time and blog a bit... Greenpeace managed to cut away about an hour (I randomly signed up for stuff when approached on the street...I guess... it is Greenpeace...) so I figured why not waste more time? My family will pay for it tomorrow when they try to help me move in (poor folks). Unfortunately, I have to be on my best behavior because Brent will be meeting them and my new roommates will be forming a new opinion of me... damn.... should have slept... I blame the turkey/peasant I saw in the middle of Coolidge Corner (no joke, once I figure out how to get pictures off my phone I'll post it!)
One hour to nap, another to shower and then it's TJ time! Woo Hoo!
My first night on the floor was last night. It was also the first night that I pulled the 6am-noon at the bakery and 430pm-midnight at TJ's. I plunged right into whatever I was told to do, mostly freezing with the frozens until the truck came and we put away all the refer (actual TJ's lingo for refrigerated goods... I thought it was funny too). So far I like the folks I'm working with, everyone was friendly and helpful and that's really reassuringly for a newbie. I was able to joke around and have a good time... a lot of that comes from not feeling nervous about this job. I have no apprehensions of any kind... I wasn't even nervous on my first day, it was great.
Meanwhile in the bakery... each day I've gone in this week there has been a new injury. I had a bad mishap with a vegetable slicer and the next day I burnt myself with hot coffee. I felt like a winner at least when I managed to not swear during each boo boo. It also gave me a reason to buy Hello Kitty band aids <3
Today is my second day of the Double Shift of Doom (DSD) but it's only half way through. I decided to cut into my nap time and blog a bit... Greenpeace managed to cut away about an hour (I randomly signed up for stuff when approached on the street...I guess... it is Greenpeace...) so I figured why not waste more time? My family will pay for it tomorrow when they try to help me move in (poor folks). Unfortunately, I have to be on my best behavior because Brent will be meeting them and my new roommates will be forming a new opinion of me... damn.... should have slept... I blame the turkey/peasant I saw in the middle of Coolidge Corner (no joke, once I figure out how to get pictures off my phone I'll post it!)
One hour to nap, another to shower and then it's TJ time! Woo Hoo!
Friday, April 25, 2008
The Hair Cut That Changed A Life
Most people have days where they wake up and just want to walk out on their lives; hit the restart button. Some may even have this thought every single day. The most typical response to this is to sigh and move on with the day only to repeat the process again.
I used to be one of these people. I spent four unhappy years in an isolated college in the mountains of Massachusetts. My life wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. I would wake up every single day and let my finger hover over that restart button. In my mind, though, there was a steel cage surrounding that button. A cage made from expectation, both societal and personal.
That's what my life felt like; a cage. I previously said unhappy, but that doesn't seem to cover it. While in that place, I had a string of luck so horrible that I actually tried medication to remedy the resulting moods.
I desperately wanted a change. But nothing drastic, just something to make me feel a little bit better, even if it only lasted a week. A new hair style could do just that. It sounds silly, but it was highly recommended by the school's therapist. I doubt she thought it would do for me what it has.
I have had a fear of cutting my hair since the eight grade. I have very curl frizzy hair and I got made fun of a lot in middle school because of it. So I made a drastic change and cut it all off. I'm not talking about a buzz cut, but I can't say it was more than an inch, just long enough to realize it was curly. I liked it for a week, until the actress Keri Russel from Felicity cut her's off. I guess most thirteen year olds would like to be compared to a famous actress, but I was not one of them. I was traumatized. I still have nightmares about it.
When my hair finally came back three years later (curly hair takes a painfully long time to get to a length that doesn't resemble Bozo the Clown) I refused to cut it again. When I needed a trim, I did it myself (not recommended). So I had had the same hair style for five years. Five years where I had no confidence and I went through some of the worst things in my life (things that upon hearing have made many people realize their lives aren't that bad).
But, I was emotionally attached to my hair, and as it stood, emotionally attached to a life I hated. I went to a stylist. As the color changed and the locks fell, my confidence rose. Unlike my last major style change, this one was a winner.
Surprisingly it was more than superficial happiness. I actually found confidence. Little old me was turning heads. Once I realized that I didn't have something on my face, a spot on my blouse or tp trailing from my shoe, I actually started to feel good about myself. Three days later I started perfecting the feminine art of flirting to get what I want. This was at a convention that further changed my life.
This convention came at the perfect time. I had been beyond unhappy with school, trying out antidepressants to numb the disappointment of higher education; I was in a young relationship that had reached the point where I discovered my boyfriend didn't understand me at all, but he hadn't realized that yet; I was facing the point in time where I would have to become a productive member of society, but had no idea in what field that would be; most of my friends from school were graduated and gone, and with them my entire support system out in the Berkshires. But I had a new hair cut and a new found confidence. I decided I would have as much fun as humanly possible while staffing a convention where I worked upwards of 20 hours in a single day.
This is what happened.
The first day I ran around like the mad, finding things to set up and people to talk to. I played a game where I tried to get as much random crap from people as possible using just puppy-dog eyes and a smile. One of these items proved to be an instrument of fate.
I was hanging out in convention operations which was being co-occupied by the security staff. A security staffer walked in, who in normal circumstances I would never have talked to (someone completely out of my league), and he had a bicycle helmet. An item that remained in my possession for most of the weekend. Later, the helmet as well as its owner ended up in my hotel room on the last possible day of the convention.
The helmet owner has turned out to be the most amazing, caring, and brilliant person I've ever met. His involvement in my life has been pivotal and he is the reason why I am now, a month later, medication free. I am actually happy and he is the main reason for it.
I do have to thank my former boyfriend for our hook up as well. This convention was the end of my spring break, one where I didn't see the former bf at all because he lacked the motivation to come and visit (I was the one who always traveled to see him... while not at school we were eighty miles away from each other). Through a series of short cell conversations he tried to guilt me into leaving the convention (one that I agreed to work over a year ago and well before I had ever met former bf), and he accused me of cheating on him, something I would never have dreamed about doing. The former put me into a breakdown. I, someone who hates crying in front of anyone, cried in front of the entire night security staff. A couple of amazing people sat with me through the night and listened to me vent about my cursed life. Each person with whom I spoke basically said the same thing: if you are so unhappy with that school, with the boyfriend, with that life, try something else.
I heeded their advice and I hit that restart button. I made the decision to not go back to that school except to fill out withdrawal forms and collect my belongings. I also came to the realization that the bf would believe whatever he wanted to believe about my actions at the convention, and if he thought I would cheat regardless, I might as well. Bicycle helmet owner was an intense temptation as it stood, and at that time I was free of the inhibition of common relationship morals. It turned out to be the best decision I've made to date.
So there I was out of school and only 19 credits short of graduating. The only place I had to live was with my parents (and I disliked feeling like a burden on them) and the only job I had was working for Wal Mart (which will further be referred to as The Evil Empire or TEE). This situation was not something that would help my life improve. In my defense, however, I tried it. I tried it for two entire weeks.
The commute between the city in which my new boyfriend lived and TEE was long, draining on a small gas tank (especially where the gas prices are now over $3.50 a gallon), and tiring. I also wanted to be able to be near him for more than a day or so at a time. He was also introducing me to a city that offered so much more than the little rural/suburban-ish town in which my parents resided.
I still had my new hair style and new found confidence, so I attempted to find work in the city. I acquired in a very short period of time two part-time jobs (which will give me about 50-60 hours a week) and an apartment with three fantastic roommates.
Where I sit now, I begin these jobs officially 4/28 and 4/30 and move into the new apartment 5/3. I have a new boyfriend and I'm developing new friendships. My new life begins now... and it all started with a hair cut.
I used to be one of these people. I spent four unhappy years in an isolated college in the mountains of Massachusetts. My life wasn't bad, but it wasn't good either. I would wake up every single day and let my finger hover over that restart button. In my mind, though, there was a steel cage surrounding that button. A cage made from expectation, both societal and personal.
That's what my life felt like; a cage. I previously said unhappy, but that doesn't seem to cover it. While in that place, I had a string of luck so horrible that I actually tried medication to remedy the resulting moods.
I desperately wanted a change. But nothing drastic, just something to make me feel a little bit better, even if it only lasted a week. A new hair style could do just that. It sounds silly, but it was highly recommended by the school's therapist. I doubt she thought it would do for me what it has.
I have had a fear of cutting my hair since the eight grade. I have very curl frizzy hair and I got made fun of a lot in middle school because of it. So I made a drastic change and cut it all off. I'm not talking about a buzz cut, but I can't say it was more than an inch, just long enough to realize it was curly. I liked it for a week, until the actress Keri Russel from Felicity cut her's off. I guess most thirteen year olds would like to be compared to a famous actress, but I was not one of them. I was traumatized. I still have nightmares about it.
When my hair finally came back three years later (curly hair takes a painfully long time to get to a length that doesn't resemble Bozo the Clown) I refused to cut it again. When I needed a trim, I did it myself (not recommended). So I had had the same hair style for five years. Five years where I had no confidence and I went through some of the worst things in my life (things that upon hearing have made many people realize their lives aren't that bad).
But, I was emotionally attached to my hair, and as it stood, emotionally attached to a life I hated. I went to a stylist. As the color changed and the locks fell, my confidence rose. Unlike my last major style change, this one was a winner.
Surprisingly it was more than superficial happiness. I actually found confidence. Little old me was turning heads. Once I realized that I didn't have something on my face, a spot on my blouse or tp trailing from my shoe, I actually started to feel good about myself. Three days later I started perfecting the feminine art of flirting to get what I want. This was at a convention that further changed my life.
This convention came at the perfect time. I had been beyond unhappy with school, trying out antidepressants to numb the disappointment of higher education; I was in a young relationship that had reached the point where I discovered my boyfriend didn't understand me at all, but he hadn't realized that yet; I was facing the point in time where I would have to become a productive member of society, but had no idea in what field that would be; most of my friends from school were graduated and gone, and with them my entire support system out in the Berkshires. But I had a new hair cut and a new found confidence. I decided I would have as much fun as humanly possible while staffing a convention where I worked upwards of 20 hours in a single day.
This is what happened.
The first day I ran around like the mad, finding things to set up and people to talk to. I played a game where I tried to get as much random crap from people as possible using just puppy-dog eyes and a smile. One of these items proved to be an instrument of fate.
I was hanging out in convention operations which was being co-occupied by the security staff. A security staffer walked in, who in normal circumstances I would never have talked to (someone completely out of my league), and he had a bicycle helmet. An item that remained in my possession for most of the weekend. Later, the helmet as well as its owner ended up in my hotel room on the last possible day of the convention.
The helmet owner has turned out to be the most amazing, caring, and brilliant person I've ever met. His involvement in my life has been pivotal and he is the reason why I am now, a month later, medication free. I am actually happy and he is the main reason for it.
I do have to thank my former boyfriend for our hook up as well. This convention was the end of my spring break, one where I didn't see the former bf at all because he lacked the motivation to come and visit (I was the one who always traveled to see him... while not at school we were eighty miles away from each other). Through a series of short cell conversations he tried to guilt me into leaving the convention (one that I agreed to work over a year ago and well before I had ever met former bf), and he accused me of cheating on him, something I would never have dreamed about doing. The former put me into a breakdown. I, someone who hates crying in front of anyone, cried in front of the entire night security staff. A couple of amazing people sat with me through the night and listened to me vent about my cursed life. Each person with whom I spoke basically said the same thing: if you are so unhappy with that school, with the boyfriend, with that life, try something else.
I heeded their advice and I hit that restart button. I made the decision to not go back to that school except to fill out withdrawal forms and collect my belongings. I also came to the realization that the bf would believe whatever he wanted to believe about my actions at the convention, and if he thought I would cheat regardless, I might as well. Bicycle helmet owner was an intense temptation as it stood, and at that time I was free of the inhibition of common relationship morals. It turned out to be the best decision I've made to date.
So there I was out of school and only 19 credits short of graduating. The only place I had to live was with my parents (and I disliked feeling like a burden on them) and the only job I had was working for Wal Mart (which will further be referred to as The Evil Empire or TEE). This situation was not something that would help my life improve. In my defense, however, I tried it. I tried it for two entire weeks.
The commute between the city in which my new boyfriend lived and TEE was long, draining on a small gas tank (especially where the gas prices are now over $3.50 a gallon), and tiring. I also wanted to be able to be near him for more than a day or so at a time. He was also introducing me to a city that offered so much more than the little rural/suburban-ish town in which my parents resided.
I still had my new hair style and new found confidence, so I attempted to find work in the city. I acquired in a very short period of time two part-time jobs (which will give me about 50-60 hours a week) and an apartment with three fantastic roommates.
Where I sit now, I begin these jobs officially 4/28 and 4/30 and move into the new apartment 5/3. I have a new boyfriend and I'm developing new friendships. My new life begins now... and it all started with a hair cut.
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