Eviction, death, and veganism

I have conceded that my life is not meant to be normal. Some times I let myself walk into problems, and some times they just track me down. The best I can do is try to find some control in my small universe and keep trucking.

The problem I walked into is the housing issue. The new place was actually worse than the old. It takes about 6 months to be evicted from a residence. You get 2 letters of termination, then a court hearing which if you don't go to that, then you get a court-issued eviction letter. I moved in at the beginning of July and was evicted in August. Which means that When I moved in, the guy knew all about it. The reason he gave meas to why he got the court letter was that he had violated his lease by letting people sublet... as I was doing. Clearly, this must have been a problem in the past. When I was informed, I only had two weeks to come up with a solution.

The solution is less than ideal. My stuff is being stored at my parents' house and I'm staying with Brent. The problem is that we aren't telling his roommates, I've lost my key to his house, and most of my things are really far away. When I want to switch my wardrobe for warmer items I'll have to find time and money to go home and retrieve them.

The only other option would be to quit my job and move back home. Granted, I HATE my job, but it's still a job and in this state with this economy... I'm damn lucky to have that. I also just got a raise and I'm about to qualify for insurance (finally!!). Also, being that far away from B would be terrible. I really love him, and all the time we spend together... even now as I'm blogging in this room and he's in the next with the XBox. I've grown comfortable with him being really close by.

Then again, our closeness has lead to my second problem which I had little control over. For the second time in my life, I miscarried. The first time, I took it hard, but it was MY baby that had died... this time, it was B's. Neither of us want a baby, on top of that, it would ruin all the goals he has in his life. I don't think I would ever get over the guilt of something like that.

It's still difficult to have gone through it again. And this time I saw with my own eyes that I had miscarried. I was at work, and there was a broken piece of placenta... it was no bigger than a plum... so it was probably about 6-12 weeks old. There was more there besides the placenta piece, but I refused to inspect that. The worst part of that (besides the fact that I killed another baby) is that I had no idea what to do with it. I had a fetus in my hands, in the only bathroom in the store and I still had a half hour of work to get through.

I flushed it like a fish.

Sometimes I really hate myself. I just didn't know what else to do.

The next couple of days I took some bereavement time from work. I didn't tell them it was my unborn child, but I knew that if a single customer came up to me yelling about their precious little chic peas not being on the shelf I would lose my job because of my response. It was good foresight on my part because it was a lot more painful than the worst period I've ever had (and I'm on the pill because my periods were so painful). I think it is because when you miscarry, if anything remains behind, there can be some serious complications later on so the body really tries to get it out... and that means SEVERE cramping and abdominal pain.

We also spent some time talking it over and what needs to be done. B says he doesn't think he's actually dealt with it. He's fine with it so far. He's more worried about the fact that we got pregnant in the first place. I have been taking it beyond that, and the whole baby killing thing is rough, but there is one statistic that keeps me going: the March of Dimes says that 50% of all pregnancies end in miscarriage. It follows to say that many women don't even know that they had been pregnant, so I'm not sure how accurate that statistic could be... but rolling that over and over in my mind has helped a lot.

Before this whole fiasco happened, we had decided we would take the plunge into veganism. We have been "sustainability vegetarians" for a while. That is- only eating meat that is sustainable: local, grass-fed (or grub fed for chickens, fish for salmon, etc. basically anything but corn), eating things that don't harm the evironment too much. That goes further for produce... it means eating locally over organic (local organic is the best, then local conventional, then organic shipped, then conventional shipped in the worst case). In the summer this is all fine and dandy, but soon it's going to get harder. And even though we weren't against eating meat, it basically made us vegetarian.

At the same time though we would ignore the rules when it came to milk and cheese and yogurt and all that fun stuff. Not eating a hamburger because it was fed on corn but drinking cow's milk was a contradiction. By trying veganism (something btw that B had done before) we get rid of those hypocrisies.

Besides it's good effect on the environment, the vegan diet is VERY healthy. People don't usually believe that when I tell them. They believe that protein and calcium are nearly impossible to get, but that's not true. Omnivores get so much protein that most of it is shit out without being utilized. The same is true for vegetarians. What is really hard to find in the vegan diet is B-12. That is a vitamin that is ONLY found in animal protein. Though there is a synthetic version that comes from yeast, but the hardcore vegans don't touch yeast either. That, however, can lead to serious health complications and is just downright stupid. Like the vegan family that killed their baby because they were feeding it apple juice instead of milk.... I'm not going to be one of those crazy vegans.

I'm more interested in the high energy part of the whole diet anyway. Most the diet it complex carbohydrates, so there is a lot of energy that needs to get used up. My mother told me that I would get fat.... but if she can find me a single fat vegan, I'll give her $100. I'm sure that I'll find tons of outlets for my energy... even if it's breaking down some extra pallets at work or learning to jog.

The added benefit of this whole thing is that it's going to keep me from eating comfort foods to feel better (which ultimately just makes me feel fat and have no self-esteem). It will give me something to concentrate on and with the added energy (after the detoxification) I can have more physical outlets to concentrate on top of that. This is me controlling more in my environment. When I do that, I don't have to think about how bad it hurts, just what little things I can do to make myself feel better. I can clean my room, I can change my diet, I can try some new make up.

Maybe I should get another hair cut.